


anagapesis

by moonshineguk



Category: The Boyz (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Break Up, Depression, M/M, bbangnyu
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-04
Updated: 2020-11-04
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:29:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27389497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonshineguk/pseuds/moonshineguk
Summary: anagapesis: no longer feeling affection for the one you once loved.younghoon was chanhee’s first love and so it was hard to let him go.
Relationships: Choi Chanhee | New/Kim Younghoon
Kudos: 15





	anagapesis

waking up beside him used to be my favourite part of the morning. i loved it more than the warm feeling of the coffee cup in my hands on a cold winter day; i loved it more than the yellow sunlight cast across the bed sheets on a lazy sunday; i loved it too much.

younghoon was my first love and i can’t picture myself ever loving anybody in the same way ever again, but eventually it all turns cold.

love and insecurity never go hand in hand. i learnt this one wednesday morning as the sun began to seep through the blinds and woke me up from my peaceful sleep. i opened my eyes and could just about make out the outline of my boyfriend asleep next to me and usually a content smile would appear on my face and i would want nothing more than to be held in his arms.

but this day it was different.

don’t get me wrong, i still loved him the same amount but it was just a different type of love. it was type of love that makes your heart race for all of the wrong reasons. as he turned on his side to face me, his nose scrunched up as he stir awake, my stomach felt like lead.

i knew that i couldn’t do it anymore. i couldn’t pretend to be in love with him.

"good morning," he mumbled, stretching his arms and propping himself up on his elbows. i forced a smile and leaned into his arms.

"i think that we need to talk."

younghoon furrowed his eyebrows but his expression was a juxtaposition to his soft voice. “sure. what’s wrong?” 

as his eyes met mine, i swallowed hard. i wasn’t oblivious- i saw the admiration in his eyes every time he looked at me without knowing that i could see. everybody told me. 

“he loves you a lot, you know.” my friends would tell me every time we all hung out together. i nodded and smiled shyly, feeling my cheeks heat up. 

now i felt flustered for different reasons. 

“there’s nothing wrong really. um, i don’t know.” i began stumbling over my words but he remained patient, pressing a gentle kiss against the bare skin of my shoulder. i adjusted the sleeve of my t-shirt so that my skin didn’t feel as exposed. 

“take your time.”

i let out a sigh and squeezed my eyes shut. “why are you so nice all the time?” i mumbled under my breath, not one hundred percent sure if i wanted him to hear. 

“is that a bad thing?” he laughed and i knew that he was joking, however i was serious. 

i shifted my position so that his arm fell from my waist and i was closer to the edge of the bed. the alarm clock read 9:14 am. we usually woke up earlier, wanting to spend the majority of our time together doing silly things rather than sleeping. but all i wanted now was to crawl back under the sheets and pretend that i never opened my mouth in the first place. 

“chanhee, if you don’t want to tell me now then you don’t have to. don’t worry about it.” he wore that reassuring smile where the corners of his mouth lifted slightly and his eyes began to form the shape of crescents. 

i shook my head and let out a deep breath. “i think that we should break up.”

i wish that i had turned the other way or kept my eyes closed. i wish that i didn’t have to see the way that his face fell and the glimmer in his eye disappeared. 

“okay.” he whispered shakily. i knew that if he spoke any louder he would break and that was the same reason why i remained silent. 

i’ve never experienced this feeling before. in all the times that i had run through this situation in my head, i never expected it to hurt so much. there was aching in my chest that seemed to grow more and more intense and a headache was forming. 

“w-why?” i had finally built up the courage to make eye contact again and i regretted it immediately. tears were threatening to fall from his eyes and his eyebrows were knitted together in confusion. 

“i’m sorry. i’m really sorry.” i wanted to scream at myself as i heard my voice break. i felt pathetic. this was my fault after all. 

he laughed sadly and shook his head, lacing his fingers together with mine. “don’t be sorry.”

“but i am. i’m being selfish but i just-“ i exhaled deeply again. “i don’t think i can be in a relationship right now. not with you, not with anyone.”

“i understand.”

“you do?”

he brought our intertwined hands up to his lips and kissed my knuckles softly. “sure, it hurts and it’ll probably take me a while to fully be okay but i want you to be happy and do what’s best for you.”

i choked out an ugly sob and buried my head in his chest. “i don’t deserve you. i never did. you did everything for me and i could never do the same back.”

“is that why you want to break up?”

i hesitated a while before nodding. “yes. it’s a shitty reason i know, but i felt unhappy knowing that i couldn’t give you the best of me anymore.”

it felt like an eternity before he answered but it was somewhat peaceful. despite the heavy weight of my words hanging in the air, the gentle feeling of his hands running through my hair made everything feel calm. we were both breathing heavily from crying and it was the only sound to be heard besides the birds singing outside the window. 

“you know that i wouldn’t mind. i would still love you the same even if you were at your worst point. it wouldn’t change a thing.” i cried even harder and was about to blurt out more apologies before he spoke again. “but if this is what will make you happy and help you feel better then that’s what we’ll do. just because we’re not together, doesn’t mean that i won’t be with you. i’ll still be your best friend chanhee.”

i sat up and rested my head on his shoulder, my eyes feeling sore and heavy. all i wanted was to go back to sleep and pretend that this never happened.


End file.
